It’s that time of the year again, it’s the “New Year New Me” saga and I absolutely hate it. Every year around this time everyone makes their New Year resolutions for the new year, me personally I hate making resolutions. I forget about them two months in and I’m back to the same bull I was pulling the year before by the end of February, ok let’s be honest by the end of January.
Instead of making a New Year resolution I started to go on journeys. This will be my second journey in my fourth year of journeying (yes I have to repeat them first time is a trial run haha). As you may know my first journey was a positive journey and baby let me tell you she wasn’t a pretty one. Now I am on my second journey “stepping into my new life” and is excited and ready for part two.
My “Stepping into my new life” journey this year was all about using the tools that I learned from my first journey and actually putting them into action. This for me was particularly hard, I’m a private person and having to actually express myself instead of going into a bubble was a very big challenge.
Me and fear do not get along in the slightest, if it looks scary I’m out. After going through my positive journey I learned that I’m not afraid of fear I’m fearful of rejection, I fear not getting the answer I want (which is always a yes) and the fear of someone telling me no. Having had rejection made me fear rejection but if I wanted to “Step into my new life” I had to meet fear and rejection at the door and trust me they said hello.
Stepping into my life also meant tackling my anxiety. I have always been open about my challenges with anxiety, my anxiety can go many different ways but mainly I become angry and frustrated and at times I become emotional and choose to walk away from everything. Now I was trying to balance fear and anxiety, I seriously had to ask myself are you sure this is what you want to do but I couldn’t address my fear without first addressing my anxiety.
What I learned
This year has not been the easiest, I have been tested in ways that I couldn’t imagine but because of my first journey I knew that if you meet anything with love something beautiful has to come from it and to always find the light even when it’s dark.
When it came to tackling my fear of rejection I have to get all the props to my mom and friends. Having a good support system is valid in any journey especially when society can make the most successful person feel small and lonely. They pushed me to try new things and take off the comfort blanket I have been sleeping under for the last 27years. They pushed me to show emotion, go places where I didn’t know anyone, they even pushed me to start dating (which was the absolute worst haha) they even pushed me to release my blog and YouTube channel that was not supposed to come out for another two years.
Having that support and knowing that no matter if I failed or succeed they were there, it didn’t matter that fear was standing at the door saying hello when I had comforting hands pulling me through. Now that anxiety whew child baby needed some work.
Anxiety is something no one but you can bring you through, yes your peers can say inspirational words and you can have a support system out of this world but what most people forget is anxiety is all in your head. You are fighting you, you are telling yourself you’re not good enough, you are saying you’re not worthy. This is where my positive journey had to really shine some light, everything my family and friends were pushing and encouraging me to do my mind was constantly saying you’re not ready for this yet. I had no idea what other tools I needed but my mind clearly had a list of things to do and stepping into a new life was not on the agenda.
I had to find something I could hold on to no matter where I was at to calm my mind so I turned to music (as 99.9% of us do), I made myself an anxiety playlist (list on YouTube channel journey 1807). I categorized my moods and feeling and played music to keep me calm from being aggravated or ready to kill one of my coworkers haha. Every song that made me feel strong when I need strength, a vision when I needed guidance I put into that anxiety playlist and who knew Cardi B could be such a great source for every emotion.
Today I am ready for part two I am excited to see where my 2020 journey takes me. 2019 was a big eye opener and I know that there will be new challenges in 2020 but each year I gain new tools and a new perspective on life. My name is Malanna and my 2020 journey is “Stepping Into My New Life” she ready!!